Here's The Thing, Right?

Here's the thing about death: life does move on. It's really messed up and tragic at the beginning, but when the dust settles, everything will feel normal again. When I lost Tristan to suicide, it was a disaster.

Family drama, extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a doped-up con man as a father. Plus, I just lost my best friend, the other human I quite literally raised.  It's safe to say it was a tragic sandstorm. I never thought my life would be the same again. 

Eventually, I could breathe without smoke in my lungs. I could see in color again. I held a job again. One that provided joy and allowed me to care for small humans. Eventually, the nightmares went away. 

Fast forward 7 years, and I am having crisis after crisis. Suicide leaves so many open ends. During the sandstorm, it was questions like, Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I see any signs? Denial, eating away at who I was, creating pounds of self doubt, for not doing a better job as a caretaker. 

Death is already hard to mourn and accept. It's incredibly hard to accept what you don't know. 

Now, it's wonders like: Did he make it into Heaven? Unless he changed his mind right before, he wasn't a follower of Christ. I can't pray for him; it's too late. He was pretty much an atheist, so I pray he's wherever he believed he would be when he chose to end his life. Tristan and I have always been okay not knowing how we came to be, or where we would go when life was over. We were always open-minded and would debunk and delve into any and all theories. 

Now that I have chosen God, it's making all of my grief difficult again. All the answers, the truth, feel like I am reliving his death all over again. The death of his soul, maybe. 

and maybe that's why I ran and was defensive about God for so long. 
Perhaps I couldn't deal with God not accepting Tristan when his soul is already being ridiculed by so many others for his choice. 

Now that I have chosen God, I have more grief. 

Now that I have chosen God, I feel more pain for Tristan. 

All I can do is pray for peace of mind and a settling heart. 

And while I dont know if it will help, I will be praying for my brother's soul. Wherever it is.