Living Apprehensively

Living with anxiety is simply a part of who I am. I have PTSD and some other mental diagnoses. These can affect my day-to-day, and they did nearly every day. Panick attacks over a change in work shift, late start to my day resulted in calling quits on everything, poor confidence, lack of proper decision making, really the list goes on and on. 

We have touched on personal connection and how it is necessary for a full, meaningful existence. Through all of the discussion in my blog Connection With Oneself, I am confident internally when I'm in control. 

Where I am seeing a roadblock is with feelings such as vulnerability. I struggle a lot with that one specifically—rejection, losing in any aspect, not excelling in school, or as a parent, as a daughter, or as a friend. In my experience, these scenarios and feelings are always triggered by outside sources. There is a large portion of the situation that I have no control over. I analyze and through habit I begin to revert back to living in a hyper state of apperception and fear. 

I'm scared - I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of letting the people I love down. 

I have to be vigilant of vulnerability for sobriety. To not be swayed to tempted - this is less hard than choosing to be emotionally vulnerable when it's safe. Or needed. This is where the real work for me comes in. I would not say I am more susceptible to emotional harm, but I would say Ive had enough emotional harm in my life - that kind of vulnerability is pretty much locked away.  

I had a therapist tell me once that I set unreasonably high standards for myself. I replied, Well, yes, but I don't see it as a failure. If I get even halfway there, I'm doing better than most. Better than my parents, better than the old me. I am growing significantly, even if the specific goal isn't completely fulfilled. Where others may see I am being too hard on myself, I see room for growth. 

There's a song that (to sum it up) says be honest and give me truth before I dive.  I'm certain you've heard it; if not, give it a listen. I've cried to this song multiple times over the last few days.  

While I am fearful and anxious, I refuse to let these feelings halt my motion. I am going to dive. I will navigate these feelings, and however the outcome, I will overcome. 

"To obtain something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done' 

For me, that's facing my fears. Putting my heart on the line despite the pain that could be, swallowing my pride, being wrong, and failing. 

I pray that you meet your goals and overcome the things that may be holding you back in life. 

Sometimes it's beneficial to feel with your heart and body the weightlessness that can be, without the constant murmur in your head. 

While this tactic feels terrifying, it has not let me down yet. 

Trust in the universe and in God. 

Such large feelings aren't exposed for nothing, I hope. 

xoxo